Duane Vaughn, Executive Director, Shelters of Saratoga
Melissa, Shelters of Saratoga House Guest
Stephanie Romeo, Associate Executive Director, Shelters of Saratoga

Transcript

Melissa (M): Knowing that there’s other people in the shelter going through the same thing, and that I’m able to open up and talk to them and not feel criticized or like I’m burdening them with my story. We’re all homeless, but we’re all still there to build each other up, and we show compassion to each other. And humbleness.

Intro: Welcome to Crossroads, the Shelters of Saratoga podcast, giving a voice to the many different challenges of homelessness in our community. Throughout our podcast series we’ll be shining a light on the perception versus the reality of homelessness in the greater Saratoga community. The issues we’ll be talking about are more than a bed or a cot or a roof. The reality is that homelessness is an intricate ecosystem, including mental and physical health, public safety, food security, resource navigation, community engagement, and longer-term sustainable housing solutions. However, perhaps most important is recognizing that the majority of the challenges of the homeless in our community are invisible. We are at a crossroads, where the challenges of homelessness intersect.

Duane Vaughn (DV): From childhood to motherhood, Melissa confronted challenges every step of the way. Only a year ago, she had no idea that someday she might find stability in her life. Listening may be a little uncomfortable. Her story is an emotional rollercoaster about her life, and life on the street. There is a raw honesty Melissa shares about decisions she had to make along the way, and some that were forced upon her. And then she discovered support and friendship at Shelters of Saratoga to help her take the next steps forward. This is our first conversation with one of our guests, but I promise you it won’t be our last. So let’s get started. I’m joined with my cohost, Stephanie Romeo, who is our associate executive director. Welcome, Stephanie.

Stephanie Romeo (SR):  Thanks, Duayne.

DV: And we’re also lucky to have with us today, Melissa, who is a current house guest at the shelter. So welcome, Melissa.

M: Thank you.

DV: How are you doing?

M: Good.

DV: Good. I’m going to have Stephanie lead into a couple of questions here. Maybe we could set the stage of how Melissa came to us and what’s going on.

SR: Hey, Melissa. I was curious where you saw yourself when you were younger. What did you anticipate your life would look like?

M: Owning a home, having a family, not living paycheck to paycheck.

SR: When you were younger, did you see any barriers to those things?

M: Childhood traumas, not great parents growing up didn’t really set the stage for a growing young woman to go out into the world when you didn’t really have set boundaries at home, being respected. So it was a little harder out in the world to get my feet on the ground.

SR: What would you have looked for differently from people who were supposed to be responsible for you.

M: For them to be responsible to own up to their actions and their mistakes to make, I guess necessarily fix my life, but to have it steady to where I didn’t suffer as much. My mom moved around a lot due to childhood traumas. I was also in 14 different foster homes, so I’ve never really known stability. So as a younger child, that’s what I looked for was stability.

SR: What were the foster homes like?

M: Some of them were okay. Older couples trying to help the foster care system, and then there’s just others who didn’t really care, didn’t put the time and the effort into helping the children that needed help. I needed extra therapy and I needed that extra love and support that a foster parent is supposed to provide, and I didn’t get that either. So it was hard going from home life into foster care thinking that things would be different. And it was exactly the same. I think I was 11 years old the first time I entered foster care.

DV: And then from 11 to 18, 14 different homes.

M: Yeah, actually it was 11 to 16. I was in foster, 14 different foster homes.

DV: What happened when you were 16?

M: I went back with my mom.

DV: You did?

M: For a little bit. And then her mishaps and her relationship and stuff kind of got in the way, and she chose her husband over her family. And I ended up getting booted back out the door and not able to graduate high school because I was younger and she refused to pay child support. So I couldn’t graduate high school. And then it was just couch surfing with friends and making relationships with guys to be able to have a place to live because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

SR: Your focus was always on survival.

M: Pretty much since I was 15, making, like I said, relationships with people just so I wasn’t sleeping on the streets, which I mean, I’ve done that too. I’ve slept under bridges. I’ve slept on top of bridges. I’ve slept under a pine tree next to the Albany City Mission as my boyfriend sleeps inside. So I’ve definitely spent many nights outside sleeping in cemeteries and stuff like that.

DV: I was intrigued a little bit when you were talking about you spent some time living in a tent.

M: Yeah, yeah. In the cemetery.

DV: Really? So could you talk a little more about that?

M: Well, I ran out of people to call and no longer had any friends. My mom had passed, and it was just me. And it was before I was able to get SSI and not having SSI, you would have to go through DSS. And it’s impossible for me to find a job because mentally I can’t keep a job. Medically, I can’t keep a job. But there’s so many expectations going through DSS, so I just thought it would be easier to find a spot and hunker down for a little bit. So I chose a cemetery in Waterford, bought a tent, and just camped out.

SR: How old were you?

M: I mean, I’ve done it several times. So I mean, I think 17 was the first time I slept outside.

SR: What made you pick a cemetery?

M: I knew nobody would come bother me. The police don’t really patrol cemeteries, so you’re a little bit safer there. You’re not out in the open where people can just happen to stumble upon you. So trying to keep myself safe and away from the public.

DV: Did you have circumstances when you felt unsafe when you were camping?

M: Oh yeah. There were several times because it wasn’t always in the cemetery there. There was times that if you’re driving to Troy, the Twenty-Third Street bridge where the exit is, I slept on top of that, sleeping underneath Hoosick Street Bridge, and there’s drug addicts and gang bangers and all of that up and down Hoosick Street all the time. I mean, I’ve been sexually assaulted, being homeless, sleeping inside double doors of Greyhound in Schenectady. I’ve been bum-rushed walking the streets at two, three o’clock in the morning because I don’t have anywhere to go. So I’m just walking. So there’s definitely times that I’ve been unsafe and felt unsafe being homeless and sleeping outside.

DV: So we’ve talked to folks in the past that often felt it was safer to sleep during the day than at night. Right?

M: I feel that way inside or outside. It’s easier, and it is, for me, easier because there’s commotion, there’s people up. There’s less likely for somebody to do something harmful to myself or other people during the day than at night.

DV: Well, that’s a pretty wild fact that we’ve heard many times before that some people don’t understand when locally, if they see somebody that’s sleeping on the sidewalk or somewhere or in the woods or something, park bench, and it’s because they’re awake during the night.

M: Yeah. They’re safer during the day. There’s people that are going to look out for them, even if they’re slumped over sleeping, somebody’s going to put their hand on their shoulder: Hey, are you okay? Check on them. At least something, they’re out there and open and not just tucked away.

DV: Well, I’m glad we talked about that because that’s just something that our listeners or a lot of people in the public don’t understand. They don’t understand why people are sleeping during the day.

M: We feel safer.

DV: Right?

M: And there’s more eyes on us.

SR: Bring some attention to the fact that someone who might be sleeping during the day has already faced a lot of trauma, and that is exactly why they’re sleeping during the day.

M: Yep.

SR: Are you comfortable talking more about Madison? Totally up to you.

M: Yeah. We can talk about Maddy.

SR: Why don’t you just start off by telling us a little bit about her?

M: Well, she’s my 18-year-old beautiful daughter who was…I need a minute.

SR: Yeah, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.

M: I want to.

SR: Okay.

M: I feel it’s important.

SR: I agree with you.

M: Okay. So Maddie is my beautiful 18-year-old daughter who was born with spina bifida. So she is paralyzed from the waist down, and before she was three, she had 75 surgeries, in and out of the hospital until she was five. She’s currently residing in a rehab facility in Schenectady. Because of me getting sick and progressively seeming to get worse and my medical status, I’ve been unable to bring her home on top of being homeless. If I don’t have a place to live, my daughter doesn’t have a place to live. So she’s currently residing in Niskayuna, a ward of the state for the past five years.

SR: Which is really hard decision to come to.

M: Devastating. But at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It’s about her and her needs. I struggle taking care of myself, but I will always 100% take care of her and her needs first.

DV: I think you’re on a good path of working on yourself now, which is really great.

M: Yes.

DV: Well, Melissa, when you first came to SOS, what was your expectation there? Were you nervous?

M: Oh, I was downright scared. I had a real rough night the first night. My anxiety and being homeless and accepting that again for the umpteenth time, losing my dogs. I had to take a cold shower and I didn’t get a towel, so I’m drying off with a pillowcase. But as soon as I came out, Jamie’s there waiting for a plate and says, come down and eat some dinner with us. So it was a bittersweet thing going in and realizing that I am where I am, and now it’s time to take the steps that I need to be able to come out of where I am.

SR: And I want to highlight too, because you came to SOS, Shelters of Saratoga from what was actually probably the longest amount of stability you had with your really good friend that you made. Can you talk a little bit about that relationship with your friend?

M: She took me in underneath her wing. I was literally going to be homeless and sleeping in a tent, and she opened her home and offered me and my dogs to stay there. She welcomed me into the family. I was there for seven months. I was in the community known and just having support there, knowing that I’m not alone with my medical stuff, that was a big thing. There was one incident that they actually had to call the ambulance because I had passed out because of my blood sugars and stuff. And had I been alone, I don’t know what would’ve happened. So I’m definitely grateful for them opening up their home and also their hearts, because not very many people would just take a neighbor. That’s all I was. I was simply a neighbor, and she felt bad and she welcomed me into her home.

SR: There’s good people still out there.

M: There is.

DV: So after your first day, did you start to settle in a little bit?

M: I did.

DV: Or did it take a couple days…

M: I think probably the second day, I pretty much stayed to myself, stayed downstairs. I didn’t really socialize with a lot of people, just still trying to figure out my bearings and where my feet stood. But I’ll go back to it time and time again. The house guests at SOS just made it so much easier to transition into being homeless, knowing that there are other people there that are sharing the same story or similar stories, but all the same end game. We’re all homeless, but we’re all still there to build each other up. And we show compassion to each other and humbleness.

DV: So were there particular roommates that were able to help you out?

M: Andrea. Andrea. Me and her hit it off from day one. Day one. She is the best. It was very hard for me coming into SOS. In the beginning, I was sick. I was throwing up a lot, and not a lot of people can tolerate that. And Andrea was a rockstar. She’s checking in on me, are you okay? Can I get you anything? And it was never, oh my God, this girl, she’s getting sick again. Or Oh my God, how did I get stuck with this type of, it was never, and it’s not like that with any of the other house guests either. So Andrea, Andrea’s great.

SR: Can you talk more about some of your medical conditions that are causing it?

M: Having diabetes, being homeless and stressed out and prioritizing your mental health sometimes can be very challenging. And in order when…I haven’t been taking care of myself, basically is what I’m trying to get down to is I get overwhelmed and I suffer. I don’t take care of myself. There’s the diabetes, there’s the gastroparesis because of the diabetes now having the heart problem, something that mimicked a heart attack but wasn’t a heart attack, and just my mental health between anxiety and depression. And it festers. When you’re going through a situation like this, you have to really be able to get a hold of your anxiety and your depression going through a situation like this because you can just lose control.

SR: And those are hard conditions to manage when you’re not homeless. And then on top of that, lacking that stability. How long ago did your medical conditions begin? When did you get diagnosed with diabetes?

M: I’ve been diabetic since I was 13. Nothing really. I mean, I’ve had diabetes, it’s been somewhat managed, but roughly about five years ago, I went out for New Year’s and had a few extra drinks and my sugars didn’t want to tolerate it. And I ended up almost dying. And that’s when I lost custody of Maddie because I was in the hospital and it was, oh, well, once you’re not sick, you can have her back. And then once you are out of the hospital. But really about five years ago is when things really started flaring up.

DV: So Melissa, now you’re talking about future plans. Could you see yourself a year ago thinking about the future?

M: No.

DV: This is the first time you.

M: A year ago, I was wondering where I was going to lay my head and how I was going to cook my food and where I was going to put my tent for me and my dogs to sleep. That’s what I was doing a year ago.

DV: So that’s great.

M: Yeah.

DV: Right. Hope is important.

M: It is, for sure.

SR: What was your first glimmer of hope?

M: Not to make anybody’s heads swell here, but Saratoga, Shelters of Saratoga, knowing that I have the stepping stone there and the support that I do from you and from Casey and from Allison and the house guests. Not even just support from staff, but knowing that there’s other people in the shelter going through the same thing and that I’m able to open up and talk to them and not feel criticized or I’m burdening them with my story.

DV: So you’ve, you have a case manager?

M: I do. Casey.

DV: Casey. And Casey was on our last podcast, and she’s kind of popular. So tell me about your relationship with Casey.

M: Casey’s great. She’s got great energy. She’s always there with an answer to the questions that I have as far as housing and helpful with setting up my doctor’s appointments, because sometimes I just get so wrapped up in not feeling good, I forget to call and set up the ride and Casey’s right on it, making sure that she’s getting all of the medical records that she needs for applications to progress in housing. I actually just spoke to her, I believe it was yesterday, and there’s the possibility of maybe mid-April of getting an apartment.

SR: With her dogs.

M: With my dogs, yes, Ms. Phoenix and Princess, who I do have to just real quick, thank Stephanie for allowing me to have Phoenix at the house or at the shelter, rather.

SR: Little doggy therapy.

M: Yeah. She’s a vital support to me. And you allowing her to come out, not just for me, but for the house guests as well. She’s become a house mascot and everybody loves her, and I see how they are when she’s there. They turn into little kids.

SR: She’s a good dog. They’re both good dogs.

M: We appreciate you allowing her to come out and spend some time.

SR: Can you talk to us more about the dogs?

M: Oh, about Phoenix?

SR: Yeah. Where’d you find them?

M: Well, Phoenix was a doorstop drop off. She was in an abusive situation. She was forced to live in her crate like 23 hours out of the day they went, I mean, they had an enclosed fenced yard, excuse me. And they also, they weren’t feeding her. She was covered in sores because of what she was living in, 30 pounds underweight. And one day they came over and they’re like, hey, do you want this dog? And I’m like, yep. I fell in love with her, stinky and all. But she’s been a vital part to my mental health and my recovery of mental health, being able to just pursue each day with having her and Princess. She’s my 12-year-old retired service dog.

DV: So Melissa, I’ll tell you that Stephanie didn’t give me an option when she talked about you bringing your dog.

M: I’m sorry.

DV: No, no. It’s perfectly fine. It’s okay.

M: Yes, she’s well behaved and no accidents.

SR: Yep.

M: She’s not a barker. She’s a really good girl.

SR: Ask for forgiveness, not permission.

DV: Right. I’ve heard that a few times before.

SR: Yeah. Probably out of my mouth.

DV: Stephanie just kind of said, this is happening.

M: Yeah. Well, I appreciate you approving it.

DV: Well, I really didn’t. She just said, yes, we’re doing this, which I’m good. It was a good thing.

SR: Yeah

M: She’s a great girl. She brings everybody’s spirits out and she has such a great time when she’s out there too, because not only do I suffer not having her, but she suffers not having me as well.

SR: So you mentioned potentially an apartment being available. What does your next step look like?

M: Well as, hopefully, fingers crossed, move into a place that’s subsidized. So I don’t have to worry about counting pennies and am I paying this bill or buying that amount of food and work to continue to have a great relationship with Maddie, bring my dogs home. I’d like to come back and volunteer or even possibly work at SOS in the future, depending on what that looks like, part-time job. Maybe? Work on maybe getting my license and a vehicle. Just trying to continue to build my life better.

DV: So Melissa, talk about some of the other services you’re receiving at SOS, and they don’t have to mean a direct connection to another agency. They can if you do have any. But what are the things that have been really important to you to help you get on track?

M: Well, I mean there’s been referrals for Dominic Hollow for the apartment that I’m potentially getting in April, and then the house guests at the shelter. I think they’ve been amazing in what they do every day to just help us get through each day. Peer support.

DV: I think that’s important to talk about because typically we think about how are we connecting you to all the things you might need outside of us while you’re with us and having that case management navigate that or help you navigate that. But you’re finding that a lot of that support was just in the house with some of the other people that go into the same things you are.

M: Yes, correct. Yeah.

SR: I think a lot of people might overlook the benefit of having 18 other people around, but a lot of people coming from situations like yours where you wanted a family and didn’t necessarily have a family that felt like one can be super beneficial to have other people around who finally feel like a family.

M: Not necessarily the ones that you’re born with, but the ones that you can make.

DV: Do you still talk to Andrea?

M: I do. We’re actually supposed to hang out on Friday. She’s got the day off, so we’re going to figure out, probably go get some ice cream. Probably hang out with the dog for a little bit.

SR: I was going to say, not before me and Melissa take the dog for a walk.

M: I might even actually convince her to take me down there to go get her so I don’t have to take the bus.

SR: There you go.

DV: Well, that’s great. So some of the relationships that you’ve built have been helpful for you.

M: There’s a lot of house guests relationships that I’ll be taking with me. It’s not just while we’re in the shelter, we’re friends and then we venture off and do our own thing. I don’t want that to happen. And I know that a lot of the other house guests don’t. We want to be able to continue the friendships that we’ve made inside the shelter, outside, go out, grab pizza, get a movie, hang out, do dinner at each other’s places and stuff like that. I think it’s really important going from a situation that you’re surrounded by people all day, every day. And then, yes, it’s great to have your own place. No longer homeless. You have a place to call your own and you don’t have to worry about rules, you don’t have to worry about curfew, but you don’t have anybody to wake up to and you don’t have anybody to talk to throughout the day. So making sure that we keep the friendships that we have to keep us all up built, I think is really important.

SR: I think quiet can be loud sometimes, and it’s something we don’t really talk about is when you venture off onto your own is how much you do miss having people around and how hard of a transition that is.

M: It is really hard. It’s really hard.

DV: So you talked about the curfew a little bit, right? The structure of the house. Can you talk about that, how that’s worked for you?

M: I mean, it works for me. I’m usually in bed sleeping by eight o’clock. But I mean, there are times that I do wish that we could go galactic bowling or catch a late movie and sometimes we have to rush back because we have curfew. But if it is preplanned, our gracious, rather, case manager, sometimes they’ll give us an extended curfew as long as it’s not too late. So we’re still able to do the things that we want to do, but we still need to be respectful that there’s a curfew. And you have responsibilities to follow while being at the shelter?

DV: Yeah. Other responsibilities at the shelter? Chores, things like that.

M: Chores, yeah. I mean, they’re pretty minimal. I mean, it’s nothing that you wouldn’t be doing in your own place.

DV: Thank you for saying that.

M: Doing laundry and washing your dishes and like somebody like myself, I don’t always like doing all the dishes. Sometimes I leave them in the sink or I don’t…You do have that luxury to let it slide a little bit, but it’s all just basically the same stuff that you would be doing out on your own. So I think it’s great that the shelter does have that structure for people who may not have been taught how to sweep and mop a floor or how to run a washer and dryer or the little things that we need to do to keep our house tidy so they’re able to maintain a house or apartment when they leave.

DV: Living with nineteen people, things could get out of hand if they don’t…

M: Right. It could get very dirty up in there.

DV: Melissa, for individuals out there that are homeless and maybe have not gone to a shelter, something like that, what would you give them as advice?

M: Swallow your pride and ask for help. It’s okay to need the help. It’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t make you any less of a person to admit where you are, whether it’s intentional or not. We all end up where we do in life for a reason. Just ask for help.

DV: That’s good advice. What would you say to one of our listeners about someone experiencing homelessness that you’d want them to know?

M: It’s not just people who choose addiction. It’s not people who choose to drink their pay stubs away. It can happen to a single mom who has medical conditions that prevent her from working and stabilizing her mental health in order to keep a home. It can happen to anybody. To me, it doesn’t necessarily always have to be a drug user or an alcoholic. It can be someone as plain Jane as myself.

SR: I like to think of you as way more exciting than plain Jane.

M: I can be a little eccentric.

SR: Just wanted to hear you say it.

DV: So I want to thank Stephanie and especially Melissa for coming on the podcast today. It’s very brave for you to come out and tell your story. It’s really important for people to hear.

M: It is.

DV: I know that we are glad you’re with us. That makes us happy. We’ve enjoyed your stay at SOS, and we’ve got a little ways to go before we move you on to the next steps, and that’s exciting for all of us. So I want to thank you very much for coming on.

M: Yeah, thank you, Duane. Appreciate it.

CLOSE: Hello, I’m Rosemary Royce. I serve as the director of development and marketing at Shelters of Saratoga. Our podcast has a twofold mission. First, to eliminate the complex issues surrounding homelessness. And second, to foster a better understanding about how homelessness affects individuals whose lives have been dramatically disrupted, often outside their control. There’s more than meets the eye. If you have a question or a comment, write to us at crossroads@sheltersofsaratoga.org. And if you like what we’re doing with Crossroads, please share with your friends. Your support is important and always welcomed.

CLOSE: Crossroads is produced by Shelter of Saratoga, a nonprofit human services agency, serving the greater Saratoga area. Our mission is to transform the lives of our neighbors facing homelessness with support services, safe shelter, and a path to independence. Your support keeps our mission alive. Find out more about how you can help at sheltersofsaratoga.org.